Keeping Up With the Idealistic “JONES’ “

This is not funny. This is a not a normal post. But it is real. hard. feelings of one broke, emotional momma.

Look at everything around you and then back go back to think what you really need. Sometimes I sit here and hate…literally hate myself for what little I can give to my daughter. Wait though…she needs nothing. she asks for nothing. But sometimes I feel as if she shouldn’t be in hand me downs, but I wore hand me downs… So why the hatred for myself.
I think what I’m seeing in myself, finally, is that I am a bit materialistic, a bit stressed, emotional and maybe a little high maintenance. And I hate to admit it. I’m better than that. I would take a free picnic in the park than a night on the town. I like swapping clothes with friends. I don’t mind second hand stores…For myself but not for my child, But why?
Why do I feel overwhelmed with purchasing everything new and when I go through her clothes to wear, I pick out things I know aren’t handed down. Why do I hate people giving us hand me down clothes? Why do I take it personally…? She doesn’t know. She doesn’t care.

And I’ve come to find out that keeping up with this Idealistic dream of the Jones’ is bullshit. Overwhelming. Demeaning. Stressful. Hateful. and Down right stupid. But I still can’t help but cringe when someone says “I have a bag of clothes for you”. I hate it. I’m so grateful to have a family that is helping us, but I hate it.

I hate going through everything. Most of the time I just take 90% of it to goodwill. and I hate that I feel…they feel… I NEED it. I hate the feeling of failure that I get… Like it matters if her shirt cost me $0 or $30. She doesn’t know. She doesn’t care.

But that is something I can’t get through my head. That this little thing could just be wrapped in a blanket with only a diaper on and she would be happy. She is fed and bathed and clean everyday. Why does it matter if she has everything new?

It’s this time, this world that is so damn fast paced and ridiculously labeled that I cant even think of putting my 3 month old daughter in a hand me down shirt. Like someone is going to know, like anyone is going to care…like I care what anyone thinks.

And sometimes I get pissed that I’m on Medicaid, WIC, and for 6 months Foodstamps with her. Because well affordable health insurance doesn’t really exist to a server/bartender and damn did I need help. And I see so much hate streaming on Facebook, Twitter, and any other social network I was on.
Things about how I, the welfare patron, needs to get a job and support my damn self.
>Oh but our household has 2 steady-paid jobs…I do what I can with the money but its not always enough
On how I, the welfare patron, need to get off the drugs
>Sorry to tell you but my ‘ drug slinging’ days are gone…you can test me now and you could have tested me months ago… just hair test me it’ll tell you that I don’t much like the street drugs… sorryyyy
How I, the welfare patron, somehow am responsible for the amount I get monthly
> I fill out a questionnaire on my pay, my rent and utilities. I specify that I have a child and there are 3 in this household. I don’t ask for $400/month but it’s what they give. take it or leave it. So don’t be pissed at me, be pissed at your state.
How I, the welfare patron, am somehow smaller than you because I ASKED for help when times got tough
>please step in my life and hindsight-ly tell me where I went wrong or better yet, let me help you
I Maxed a Credit Card with a high limit when I was making a ton of money…and then the economy crashed with my j.o.b.
I pay all my bills, every month, I don’t allow things to go to collectors to help save my credit…bc well that credit card is still haunting me
I put my heart and soul into some jobs that weren’t worth the money but they were worth my time and taught me everything i know
I’ll take experience over money
I put others before myself
5 big ‘mistakes’… one very broke girl
On how I, the welfare patron, somehow am trying to ruin the economy
Look I get it, welfare sucks money out of your checks. But Welfare sucks money out of my checks too. I don’t agree with a lot of the programs and procedures and people who abuse it. But its a take it or leave it system. You get what you can. And you try getting out as soon as possible. The welfare business is no fun to be in… I don’t know why anyone would want to stay on it any longer than a year. And I feel being on it, has taught me a lot of things that are wrong with it but it never taught me it was wrong to be on it
So please oh please keep posting your bullshit memes about how people don’t deserve food stamps, How people on Medicaid need to get a clue, and how mother’s on WIC are just plain dumb. Because you are just one of the many that don’t get it and I wish upon you that you have a grandchild one day, who’s parents struggle to make ends meet… and all they need is a few extra bucks to get ’em by. And then I want you to tell those parent how completely stupid they are for trying to raise their child right, for trying to keep their child healthy and vaccinated, for trying to keep food on the table. And then I want you to re-judge me.

This is my conclusion of why I hate myself sometimes. In my times of need, I used resources that were at my disposal and people stomp on you. Not even knowing it. They trample all over you.
Oh how belittled I feel.