Last few weeks of pregnancy, eh? How is that going for you? Have you turned into cleaning mom, super women, baby blues, a beached whale, stressed out, feeling great, crying a lot???? Maybe all of the above because you have no idea what to feel anymore and people have become certainly annoying with their stupid questions, comments, and ‘concerns’??? Well lets talk about them and if you’re reading along while not being pregnant… let’s make you a good pregnancy companion!
I don’t know how many times I had to tell the same people my due date, if it was a boy or girl, how things were going … yadda yadda yadda. But I knew they asked because they had some care or concern. But what about the assholes… you know the assholes coworkers or your asshole regulars or maybe even your asshole family and friends?? What about them? How degrading and personal can you get with a pregnant person before she isn’t ‘hormonal’ anymore and you’re just the asshole? Yea you… the one talking about how huge she is, how shes not going to make it to her due date, how she needs to just have the kid already, or how you don’t understand how shes still pregnant? oh or why shes going to try natural labor, breastfeeding, and still at work?
Well let’s start with why I’m still at work, yes still, I am post due and I am picking up shifts. If no one has ever told you or anyone else a child tacks on some heavy duty bills and as much help as the state will give you it is never going to be enough. Between rent, electric, water, sewage, food, the little things in life, and all your previous credit card and other debt… adding a baby isn’t easy. So yes, pregnant people still work. And it hurts, makes us tired, stresses us out, but we still have bills to pay and not all of us have million dollar husbands or families. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. Also, I enjoy work. Have people ever thought of that??? I enjoy going in and meeting new people, making possible new friends, hearing stories of their kids, and being able to have conversations that don’t include a wall, a dog, or myself as the thing listening to me. Sitting at home while your pregnant sounds nice, it really does, but actually doing it can drive you bat shit crazy. And I don’t know how people cant understand this… With Why are you still working? Why don’t you just go home and have the baby? Why does Robert allow you to work? so let’s clear some shit up now. I work to make money and because I enjoy it, I don’t go home and have this baby because well THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS… well talk more about this next, and Robert doesn’t allow me to work, he doesn’t allow me to do anything except vacuum because he has to carry it up and down the stairs… and he’s not stupid he knows I need out of the house and we need the extra cash.
What about the ‘you’re still pregnant’ remarks. Oh my god, You’re still pregnant, you still haven’t had the baby, you’re so huge, go have her I want to meet her, Im anxious…. oh shut the hell up already… all of you. Nothing is more degrading to a pregnant women then how overdue and huge she really is and why you, a bystander, have all the right answers.
This is where I’m going to see a bit ‘hormonal’ but believe me it’s really that you’re a complete idiot with no common courtesy. Let’s check the facts first,
a.) most first pregnancy’s go into post date, meaning approx. 85% of all first pregnancy’s go passed their due date
b.) a due date is a made up date in which your last period and the rate in which the ultrasound says your baby is growing
c.) my doctor knows much more about my cervix and my vagina then you ever will
d.) Pregnancy can last up to 42 weeks without a doctors concern after that the doctor and patient, meaning me the mom, not you will choose what is best for mom and baby
e.) its not my choice to be overdue, but obviously the baby isn’t ready and as long as she is healthy, I’m not going to force her out. Induction isn’t supposed to be used before 40 weeks and for those who used it before that, we can debate later
So asshole, I haven’t had this baby because she was breech and then she moved and then she scooted back up and then she stayed there. She’s not ready, my cervix isn’t ready, and if you’re real curious I haven’t dilated 1 tiny fucking cm… ok?! So if you think you’re all high and mighty and know when Im going to have this baby, maybe you should go get your degree, Okay Dr Phil? and then after you do that go join Dr. Oz and all three of you can have a show about psyche, losing wight and having babies.
And YES for God’s sake Im STILL PREGNANT… Do you see my belly, do you? Or are you a complete idiot and just like my witty comments. You’re still pregnant… Nope baby’s at home and I decided to wear a fat suit for now on… As Jeff Foxworthy would say, here’s your sign! And maybe people ask this question, because they don’t know what to say… well here are some fine options:
a.) Aww, you look great today, you can see the pregnancy glow from across the room
b.) That is a very cute dress/outfit/shoes/ect
c.) I applaud that you are still working, I wish more people were like you
d.) I’m happy to see you’re pregnancy going so well
e.) anything other than “wow, you’re still pregnant” is great!
I also dislike people telling me how anxious they are and they just wish I would have the baby already. Oh really are you? You’re anxious? Im pretty sure Im the one who has been pregnant, not you. And Im not at all that anxious to push this baby out of my tiny, little va jay jay… I’ll be excited when I have my baby and get to see her and hold her. But I’m not anxious. So tellin me you’re anxious, pretty much just annoys me. And I know the family is anxious, so I’m not saying your all assholes. Im just saying watch how you say things and how often you say things. Shooting me a text like hey, thinking about you, getting anxious to see the wee one… Is much nicer then seeing the same text ‘Im anxious have the baby already would you’ or talking to the same person about the same bullshit everyday, because truthfully if you’re not “family” I don’t really give a shit how you feel about my pregnancy. (i use family in ” ” because most of my family are not blood related, but they know who they are)
And for all your arrogant people out there who are like wow, this girl’s a real bitch or really hormonal… I’m not. I am kind of a bitch, but Im not hormonal, Im being truthful and if you cant see it lets put it into perspective. Pregnant woman have so much going on in their lives, especially in the last few weeks and 90% of what they are preparing for is the unknown. It’s like going to hike a new mountain that you have all the information but all the information says “everyone’s experience is different, this is just general information”. Its stressful and exciting and scary and happy and sad and all of that rolled into one. And the last thing they need is for you, whoever you are, be you the best friend, the mom, the in law, the customer, the regular, the co-worker, the boss, the friend, the acquaintance, the random person in the store… telling her what she needs to do, how big she is, or how your/your wifes/sisters/bestfriends pregnancy was. What if every time you went up to her she was like, “Oh, is your marriage failing STILL?” “You haven’t fixed your life YET?” ” You’re son is STILL an asshole?” “You’re STILL fixing up your house?” “You STILL haven’t found a job?””My dad lost his job and bought my mom nice things, why can’t you do that for your wife?” “I really don’t know much about you but maybe you should change your doctor because when I hurt my hand my doctor…. bleh bleh bleh” “I know were not in the ‘same situation’ but one time when I was stressed out, I just did yoga, you should try yoga” “You know I can’t wait until you lose weight so we can go out and do things again” and when you’re having a great day, I hope she comes up to you and says “You seem miserable, why don’t you go home and relax?”
And after she says such personally demeaning things to you, I want you to smile and laugh it off, just like we have to because if we don’t, its blamed on hormones and not your assholish tendencies of forgetting to keep your mouth shut…. get it now???? Your momma taught you how to think before you speak and if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all….time to use what your momma told you!
And last but not least, I’m not huge. I’m pregnant. I have a baby who is approx. 6-8 lbs growing inside me. On top of that, I have 2x the amount of blood in my body, 20% more water, a sac of fluid that weighs about 5 lbs which is covered by my growing uterus that weighs approx 2-5 lbs, my breasts are producing milk and fatty tissue to aid in breastfeeding, some fat is being stored for energy during delivery, oh yea and the placenta that is nurturing my baby weighs about 3 lbs. So you wanna know how much weight I’ve actually gained because Im sooooooooo big…. oh around twenty to thirty GO F*#& YOURSELF pounds. But next time you pack on a few pounds, I’ll be sure to let you know! 😳
So besides all the ignorant people of the world, how are these last few weeks going… well great! Her nursery is finally set up and its the cutest room in the house, the fridge is stocked with food and quick meals and ice cream bars, the house is clean, my bags are packed, and I feel great. I do my yoga every night and I prepare the house a little more each day, and some days I just lay with my pup and talk to him about his new little sister.
I did have a crying break down over dinner one night, but I knew that was just a hormonal craze I would have to get thru. But my loving boyfriend, picked me up off the floor and held me telling me everything was going to be fine and as I told him how much of a baby back bitch I was he went in the kitchen and made me dinner. And now I am a week overdue, so with an extra ultrasound this week, no cervix softening, no dilation, and very few contractions, the doctor thinks induction at 41 weeks is best, so we went out last night for dinner to a little fancy restaurant for the last time as a couple without child. And it was great getting my LBD on, doing my hair and make up and throwin on a pair of heels… for the last time as a preggar! Dinner was fun, walking around downtown was fun, watching a rented movie eating chocolate eclairs was relaxing and now next time you hear from me, I will be mom of Baby Brooklyn come Monday and I will tell you all about the induction, labor and delivery process. No horror stories just cold hard witty facts and comments about the natural process of child birth. And I’m so freaking excited you wouldn’t believe! TTFN as Tigger says! Ta Ta For Now my friends, talk to you soon!